This topic contains the experiences and outcome from a difficult ailment known as PVPS. This topic contains religious views which may be offensive to some persons. Viewer discretion is advised.
Throughout my life I have grown more and more bitter. For example, I was bitter about the number of girls I bedded in college. Bitter about how terrible the students disrespected me in my short stint as a school teacher. I became more bitter when I lost a lot of money after purchasing a property at the height of the housing bubble. You see I was a fiscally responsible (good) person who didn’t deserve to suffer like this. My brother-in-law, however, invested in multiple houses and he lost his shirt due to his greed. It was sinners like him that caused good people like myself to suffer. He deserved to suffer, but not me.
Finally, after having three children and enduring many bitter years spent to complete a doctorate in science I was bitter about how my wife had put on some weight. I deserved better! After three kids family members began suggesting to me to get a vasectomy, so did my wife. What nerve I thought! This made me angry So I say, “ok, I’ll get the vasectomy”. But, I had ulterior motives.
I got the vasectomy because I had intentions to pursue extra-marital relations You see I was a good person who was short-changed his whole life. I deserved to be rewarded. As a good person naturally I was against abortion. In no way was I going to allow an extra marital affair lead to an unwanted pregnancy and the possibility of an abortion. So I went ahead and did the “wise” and “prudent” thing.
But then I developed what is called post vasectomy pain syndrome (PVPS), a chronic and difficult pain condition which can result from a vasectomy. It felt like something I never felt before. It felt like the wrath of God had come upon me. You see I went to church and was a good person, but I didn’t really read or follow what the bible said. I figured I already understood what it means to be a christian.
But I have been struggling my whole life, something was off my entire life and so I began to slowly seek for answers. I finally turned to the Bible because I had no where else to turn.
Then I came across certain passages in the bible [1 Thessalonians 5:2-3] and [Proverbs 1:25-32] which resonated with my innate feeling of punishment and doom from the chronic pain. And I for the first time in my life developed a terrible fear of God [Proverbs 1:7].
I also read passages such as [Hebrews 12:5-11], and [Proverbs 3:11-12] and hoped and began to pray that maybe my chronic pain was not the beginning of the end for me, but was discipline from the Father.
Why was I receiving discipline/punishment in my genitals? Well, my whole life I was a slave to pornography and self gratification [Ephesians 2: 1-3]. No matter how many times I tried to quit pornography, or abstain from self-gratification I would always, always fail. I even had my wife put restrictions on the computer, and read a self-help book called the porn trap… But nope I still couldn’t overcome these sins. In fact my sin grew overtime eventually driving me to believe that I was entitled and deserving of a mistress or an extramarital tryst.
The terrible post vasectomy pain syndrome (PVPS) gave me the motivation I needed to fear God and to seek His Word [Psalm 9:10]. For many years I thought of myself as a Christian, I thought I believed at least some. More importantly, I thought that I was a good person! Boy was I mistaken.
Only by seeking God did I come to realize how ignorant I was of His Word. As I began to read and study God’s Word it became clear to me that my behaviors were in total opposition to what Jesus commanded of me. I wasn’t just a little off here or there. No, I was in 180 degree opposition to what Jesus said at point, after point, after point, after point… It was as if my actions were by design in opposition to Jesus.
It then became increasingly clear that I was not a believer. For those who love and trust Jesus follow his commandments. And for those who claim to know Jesus but hate a brother or sister still walk in the darkness.[1 John 2:9-11] And boy did I rage at family members who persuaded me to vasectomize myself. Boy did I hate those urologists and have thoughts of malice against them.[Ephesians 4:31] And yes I still harbored resentment toward my brother-in-law.
Then it finally dawned on me: I was not in control, but controlled by the Evil One. Turns out that this is exactly what God’s Word tells us.[ 1 John 3:9-11, Romans 5:10, Psalms 51:5] We all start off as children of the ruler of this World. [Ephesians 2: 1-3] We cannot overcome our wicked ways because we cannot overcome the ways of this world. I thought I was a Christian because I thought I believed in Jesus. But I didn’t know him, nor did I trust him, for I knew not his Word. For Jesus was the Word. How could I know Jesus if I didn’t know his Word. For his Word clearly says that we cannot overcome this world by ourselves, we must be saved and born again! Furthermore, we cannot see the truth for ourselves, the truth has to be made known to us. In other words we are blind until we are made to see.
It took a number of years of suffering and trial and searching to understand God’s Word. The chronic pain served to bring out my wickedness and my hostility toward God and others. The pain served as a way to open my eyes to see just how wicked I was. I wanted to believe that I was a good guy who just caught some really bad breaks. That I was justified in my actions. But this was not the truth. The truth was I was a wicked and self-serving person who was deserving of God’s just punishment.
I was being ruined by my anger, hatred, rage, bitterness, guilt, regret, shame, and self loathing. I tried so hard to rid of these things but could not for the life of me. And even with the PVPS pain I still couldn’t stop my almost daily worshiping of pornography despite the additional pain that this activity would often create. What a miserable wretch I was!
I needed to be saved. I need the Helper. I was humbled to where I asked to be saved, and asked for the Helper.
Who is this Helper? The Helper is the Holy Spirit that God pours out. We are spiritual beings and are either ruled by the spirit of this world, or if we are saved we are then ruled by the Spirit of God. But the Holy Spirit cannot begin to take root in us until God’s Word had begun to take root in our hearts. I could not stop sinning, I could not change myself, and I could not quite understand scripture (God’s Word).
Well, it turns out:
That there is nothing you can do to save yourself, it is only by grace you are saved. [ Romans 6:23]
No one can understand scripture you have to be made to understand scripture. [ Luke 24:45]
You need to be given the Helper to overcome your ways. You cannot do this on your own power. [Luke 24:49]
Once this happens you then aught to testify to others this truth you have been given [John 15:26-27]
What a trip! What an amazing trip! That there really is a hope and purpose for a wicked, miserable wretch like me!
This has been the most dreadful experience of my life. And yet, God’s Word has turned this horrible experience into what may be the best thing that had ever happened to me. How is this possible? Because this is what God does. He used the cross, a Roman torture device that epitomized doom, death, suffering and shame, and turned it into the ultimate sign of hope, life, peace and joy. And He used my dreadful experience to rebirth something new in me.
It has been a long process, but I have finally been freed from the anger, the bitterness, the guilt, the rage, the regret, the shame and my unbreakable addiction and enslavement to pornography [1 Corinthians 6: 9-11]. I have finally been able to forgive others and to forgive myself. The most amazing part is that this power does not come from me. For these things were impossible for me. However, with God all things are possible. Therefore, this power comes from Him. It comes from the One who saves. For He has given me the Helper (The Holy Spirit).
How do I have assurance that I have been saved? Because I now have love and trust for Jesus and the Father. I now have joy, peace and self-control like never before [Galatians 5:22-23]. I have assurance because my transformation has been supernatural. (not of my own, and not of this world).
These are the things I have witnessed, and they serve as a testimony to the Truth that is God’s Word (Holy Bible).
This is my testimony and it is not about anything good or decent I have done. It is about the many great and wonderful things the Lord God has done for me. Amen.