Post Vasectomy Pain Forum

Feeling Spousal Resentment

Hi all, I truly appreciate everyone who has posted here and shared their stories.

I had the snip just under two years ago. Like many here, my wife pressured me into the procedure using all of the arguments that you would expect.

Having now been in pain for roughly two years, my resentment toward her is growing deeper and deeper. How do you all manage the resentment? Or is it just me? I do not want to destroy my marriage.

I realize that I made this “choice” and nobody held a gun to my head, but i do feel that my concerns were brushed under the rug and completely ignored. I also flat out refused, but she persisted.

I think if men put similar pressure on their wives to get a tubal ligation that ended in chronic pain they would be considered the anti christ.

Thanks for any advice,
Adam

I had my vasectomy 30 years ago, and I still feel resentment. I don’t know your situation completely, but in my case, my wife was told by her gyn that the vasectomy was a 10 minute, “risk free” procedure, whereas the tubal ligation required an OR visit. That was affirmed by the urologist who did the procedure. Tragically, that misinformation is still out there after all this time, and the truth is well hidden by an industry who sees this as a way to make a quick buck.

If she didn’t have access to what can happen, it’s hard to blame her. However, I felt victimized and abandoned with “laser” type pain, and she became resentful as well, convinced I was making it up to make her feel bad. I hope, as time goes by, you can come to the belief that she didn’t intend to harm you. Fortunately, for me, the pain subsided. I hope yours does soon.

How is she feeling about this?

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She felt bad, and apologized. Once it was obvious to her that this was serious lasting pain I think she felt pretty bad.

Fast forward another year. We don’t discuss it anymore. The last few times we did she says something like “go get a reversal”. Like that’s some magic f-ing bullet that I haven’t looked into.

The constant pain has certainly affected my mood. Honestly, I think she is sick and tired of hearing about it so what is the point. Our sex life is shit now. That part is on me, but it’s pretty hard to get into things when I know it will aggravate the pain to unbearable levels approximately 6-12 hours later.

What a tragedy. She apologized to me, and then a couple of days later, either by miracle or happenstance (more on that), the pain subsided. She then was (and still apparently is) convinced that I was embellishing it, which, as you well know, was absolutely not true.

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resentment is difficult. I have been in pain over 10 years and was pressured at the time to have the snip because “she had gone through enough” - meaning she had given birth twice which she wanted, asked for and again something i never asked for (i wouldn’t be without my kids but i never wanted kids).

I was told by her that it would make things easier and would mean more intercourse as we both had a latex allergy. All of this was lies as now I am made to feel like if I to want sex I am pressuring so I don’t ask, I am made to feel like I am not good enough and now that I am not a “real man” as i couldn’t have more kids. Even though it was her pushing me to have it done

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I don’t think that resentment ever leaves you. I never wanted the vasectomy either. And I still resent her. I now have to loose a testicle and having a feeling of half a man I am now having to look at looking a testicle to her wants. Honestly I should have walked years ago and I am disappointed that I didn’t

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Just to add a my experience .I agrred to hve a vasectomy even though I tried to get a “get out of jail free card” but asking lots of questions like am I too young? and I’ve never had kids so is it wise ? etc…The slip up I made was accepting to have the op when he said he would not reverse ,I could have got out then and there …Fast forward to after vas when I had testicular pain and a numb penis with no orgasm to speak of.My partner had an affair and f**ked off .I had a reversal ,which helped me and now I’m in a better relationship .The resentment has lessened but I will always have anger issues…Atb Rob

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That is really sad. Since it’s been so long, and I’m pain free (except for the few times when I touch my testicles a certain way and I yelp), I don’t feel the way you do toward her. I hope your pain goes away and you can find some way to heal the psychological hurt as well.

I think I would try to figure out how you can talk with her about your pain, and just let her know that you’re not looking for an apology or to make her feel bad, but that all you want is for her to listen and support you. I imagine that being able to tell her how you’re feeling, when you’re down, when you’re frustrated, etcetera, would go a long way both towards making you feel better, and making you feel less resentful.

I guess that’s some of my problem. I’m quite angry that she pushed me into this.(I said no many times) I’m an idiot for caving. I guess on some level I do want her to feel bad. Every time she gets annoyed that I’m doing less with the kids, or not cleaning up the house, etc. I want to just start yelling something like “That’s because you ruined my f-ing life by pressuring me into something that has caused me persistent chronic pain so piss off.”.

I know that’s not right, but sitting around with pain constantly my head spins and that’s where my mind goes. FML

That’s rough. I don’t think it’s about right or wrong. It is what it is, and it’s good to deal with it. I think you should let go of wanting her to feel bad, as hard as that might be. I think your goal should be wanting to feel loved and supported by her. Think of it like this, what would be better, having her feel bad, or having her understand that you’re in pain, being able to talk about it with her, and having her be there for you?

Hey AngryHusband, makes sense that you would feel resentment toward your wife for pressuring you to get the the proceedure. Sounds like she really crossed your boundary and it’s probably natural for you to want her to feel bad about it.

Maybe you should show her this thread. My hero husband just recently got a vasectomy for me. I didn’t ask him to, but I had been living with chronic pain from my IUD implant. He didn’t read too much about it and neither did I, and the information we did have seems misleading in retrospect. I’m feeling a lot of guilt about allowing him to go forward with the proceedure. I’ll be in menopause in like 15 years anyway! I think if I were your wife, I would feel more hurt by the passive aggressiveness than I would by you telling me about your resentment. At least if you tell her she can do something about it, and if she doesn’t, fuck her.

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You are all right. Everything you have said. I just can’t seem to do it. On days when the pain is significantly less, I feel no, or very little resentment. But after 20 hours of constant pain it’s like all common sense and rationality are gone and I’m just upset as all hell. Thank you everyone for the input. I appreciate it.