New to the forum…and thanks to all for sharing your difficult stories and wisdom gained. Not headed for divorce…yet. Have 2 teens who need me around. But with the pain, am not always as present as I would like. Wife definitely nagged me into this decision and have not had a pain free day for a year since the vas. I realize that I’ve been perseverating and am working hard not to talk about my pain too much. I know that she feels terrible, but also that she must get tired hearing about it. Mostly, I wish I had stuck to my decision not to have the vasectomy (and that I’d found this forum beforehand). My hope is that I still may heal and move on. But it has changed our relationship for the worse.
You need to get out in front of this. Nothing has the potential to cause more anger and lasting/permanent damage to a relationship when one partner is not allowed to talk about the pain they are dealing with, especially if it impacts their ability to do the things they used to do and need to do. The entire “stop talking about it” thing is unbelievably cruel and unjust considering you were coerced into getting the operation. We’ve had guys get better beyond a year so don’t think it’s not possible but you need to let go of the guilt. This happened to you. You both need to deal with that reality. Not talking about it is not going to make the pain go away.
I remember being in that awful situation and it triggered a lot of resentment.
What type of pain do you have and what situations trigger it? i.e. is it testicular aching/sensitivity, burning pinching etc.
Hah. All of the above! Initially there was dysthetic, burning pain on the incision site (worse with the reversal than with the vasectomy). But it’s the dull ache that really shuts me down. Formerly, I enjoyed 70 mile bike rides. I tried a few times to “get back on the saddle” but it’s not an option. Other activities: sex, rock climbing, can happen-but typically I pay for about 3 days afterward with recurrence of both types of pain. On days that I stand all day at work, I’m pretty ready to scream by 3pm which often puts me in avoidance mode when I get home.
It’s pretty much alway on my mind- so I make an effort to not talk about it too much. Yesterday, I shovelled out my driveway and that of 2 elderly neighbors, so yes, sore today. But it’s also my kids birthday…what can I do? Grin and bear it, I’m afraid.
I have written this in my own thread but thought i would share my experience here…My ex-fiancee promised me anytime,anyplace and anywhere if i had a vasectomy…She had decided to not take any type of contraceptive as it affected her .I have never wanted children and she said a little snip would be the answer to this problem.I had the procedure done with no pain or any problems to start with …
Once my problems began ,she was useless with little compassion .Definitely didn’t give a crap…I paid for a reversal to try to regain normality …Whilst she had an affair and moved on with her life …
Any person who pushes their partner into a medical procedure ,be it cosmetic or superfluous is not worth being with…And lastly I would have left her because of the resentment I felt .Had she not have done it first . I was told she asked her new husband to have the snip after all I am going through …Beggars belief …atb Rob…
A bit mean of her i would say. I have seen this so often when the women of the house wants another baby and the male cant do the deed because she insisted him to be fixed
Funny thing is that it was nothing to do with children…A group of us went on a motorcycle trip and as i was in extreme discomfort I let her pillion with another rider(now hubby) …She even blamed me for her leaving me because I agreed to her riding lol .the other biker .I can laugh about that now but never about having the vasectomy …atb Rob.
Damn Rob that’s rough. You sound like you are in a better place than a lot of guys would have been. I have 3 kids and we somehow got through but our relationship in the intimacy department is not the same. She’s fine but for me it’s kind of going through the motions. I took T a few months back and had a surge in libido but really sex for me is not what it used to be. At 52 I have less rage and resentment than I used to but it’s still there. Permanent baggage. You can forgive but when you lose something like that I don’t know what kind of person could move past it completely. I’m not that spiritually evolved. I think you maybe can find someone better. If you ever figure it out completely, how to get back please let me know. I promise I’ll do the same. Thanks for sharing this here. Men and women need to know this dynamic is real/exists and is a possibility for this unnecessary elective procedure.
My relationship with my wife has suffered a lot. While she did not exactly force me into it, it was her who planted the idea into my head. Damn, we used condoms for years, no problem. Now we don’t even have sex! I had the vas at a point in my life where I wanted to change jobs and country (move back home), and it didn’t work out. I did not research vasectomy at all, blindly trusted my GP. I wanted a “quick win”, to tick something off my to do list, and my life has become a complete disaster. I am so sorry for my kids who have to see me like this, suffering in pain, not able to play with them outdoors. My wife is understanding, strong on the outside, but suffering inside. I do secretly blame her, no doubt, and I expect an apology, but she is blocking. We definitely are drifting apart, and ultimately the whole family might break because of this. Dunno, it was the dumbest thing in my life and it’s taking a toll. I hate myself, I hate the surgeon, I hate my wife for bringing vasectomy up in the first place. Sorry for the rant but I m having a difficult time right now as i don’t see any progress.
Damn…my sentiments exactly…and I’ve made my share of stupid mistakes.
@Rob, I hope that when you’re all healed up you will capture the whole misadventure in verse or song as you have maintained a sense a humor. That is admirable.
And @MikeO, I know what you are going through. Not sure the Mrs and I are ever getting back to where we were as a couple. Any request that I perceive as “nagging” brings me right back to her insistence that I get the Vas done.
Will try to get back to counseling - but between a demanding job, parenting, and PT appointments- healing the marriage hasn’t been the priority.
No new suggestions- but thanks to all for the validation.
I am at a point where I am thinking to take off work for a few months or longer, if required, to be able to concentrate on my health and my marriage, and then re-evaluate the whole goddamn situation.
I am thankful I can afford to do so for some time without financial problems. We are in a vicious circle, and it feels like it’s time to break it! And I would really regret it should I not do it and we end up with a divorce that we could have been prevented.