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Wife wants me to get a vasectomy


#26

Please do not do this. I am part of this forum because my 16 year old son has constant testicular pain after surgery for testicular torsion. Now that I know about PVPS, I try to tell anyone who will listen about this forum and to NEVER let a loved one get a vasectomy. I have already told my son to NEVER EVER get a vasectomy. His life has been a living hell on earth. It impacts our family every day. I am a wife and mother. Please do not do this. I cry for my son and all of the men who suffer from PVPS. I would NEVER EVER ask this of my husband.


#27

@RingoStar this is so similar to my current predicament - a lot of hostility towards all those that convinced my wife that a vasectomy was simple and inconsequential and which were used to influence me. A year our I have more control over the emotions but they are still there - there are several people I still refuse to interact with. Feels like it will take another decade to get to a point where I can let it go.


#28

Looking back, tell her you will divorce her of she pushes you or guilts you and that of she tries to cut off sex you’ll find someone else. You can’t blackmail someone emotionally to get surgery on their genitals. If a man tried to do that to a woman he would be seen as a brute. Leave her if she pushes you and just leave the house if she brings it up. You will be better off alone with your genitals in tact than in constant pain, bitter, and disabled. Odds are you would be fine getting a vasectomy but if it goes wrong it will ruin your life. I am sitting again right now with burning pain in my left groin at the base of my penis. It completely sucks.


#29

@egomes2107 Odds like these are only good if money’s involved. 20 out of 100 have moderate to mild pain 1 to 6 out of 100 have more severe pain requiring further treatment. I wouldn’t gamble with such a thing ever.

So having all this info have you talked her anymore abou it now?


#30

Orange, I absolute despise my wife. I have even told her so. She knows every reason why and I know that has affected our marriage. But I did not want to do this. I had ZERO medical issues before it and now I can’t do anything. I used to be super active and if I couldn’t sleep or whatever, I would go out jogging or walking around town. Even at like 2am. I live in a super safe quiet town. Except for the whole Sam Shepard thing…lol. But I can’t do that now. I can’t do anything.

MY wife told me last night i need to help teach my son who is almost 5 how to roller skate/blade. Because I used to skate and play hockey. And she said I used to like to do that. I told her, Yeah, I used to! I used to be able to do that! She stamped away and slammed a bunch of shit around and shut of the lights where I was. But what the fuck should she expect??? I mean, seriously! It’s just like asking me if I signed up for the fathers day karate class with him…I was like, umm, no. Why would I?

I really truly believe she thinks I am faking. She used to tell me i was or it was in my head. She hasn’t said that much any more. But i think she still believes it.

We had a talk a couple weeks ago where she started crying and saying she doesn’t think she can take it knowing i hate her. And i just sat there not saying anything. She told me she thought we were in a better place, but we aren’t. I am getting more and more pissed every day at her. She doesn’t care. Hasn’t checked on anything and never talks to me about anything. How could I not be pissed at her?

She is the reason I am here and in this mess. And every time I see her i just want to yell at her. I can’t stand it. I really want to go back. But I can’t. @egomes2107, what every you do, don’t let someone push you in this. You will regret it forever. And if your wife is like mine, you will have NO support at home. Mine, god the stories I could tell you. The only reason I have not left her is the kids. cause we have no sex life and haven’t for a year. We don’t sleep in the same bed, hell, same room! I sleep on a sofa downstairs and she has the bed room. We don’t talk. She doesn’t care if I am in pain-my mother in law had to mention it to her on Memorial Day this year. People don’t believe you and doctors, they are the worst. Can’t even begin there.

Make her read this stuff. Have her talk to us. Do something. Cause honestly, your life COULD be over if you have a vasectomy. It’s 50/50. I don’t even say 1 in 1000 or 20 in 100. It’s 50/50. and those odds, not worth it.


#31

Not so much, the last time we talked it got a little heated. She feels by declining to do this I am being selfish and not empathetic for what she has gone through with the pregnancies and using birth control for 16 years.

She seems to be softening up to me though, You can still feel There is still tension when we communicate but she laid on me last night as I was watching TV and its the first time she has touched me since I told her of my decision almost 10 days ago. I don’t think its because she understands my position but more that she realizes she needs to accept my decision and will try to suppress her feelings over it. I’d rather her look and understand my concerns as being real because if she don’t truly understand why then resentment will probably build up and be taken out on me in different ways.

To me, I am scared of the chance of 10-15% pain for sure, but the scariest part is the 10-15% chance I will ruin my life in every way possible… Wouldn’t be able to play with my kids the way I want to. I am a big sports fan and have 2 young boys close in age… I would be devastated if I couldn’t play sports with them growing up because of something that was never my decision. So in my view, I am risking 15% of chronic pain, 15% of changing the relationship I would have with my kids, and taking a 15% chance on my marriage… Pretty much taking a 15% risk on my future happiness… all for what? not having to use a condom or other safe forms of birth control…

If she doesn’t want the burden of Birth control anymore then I understand, I only got 2 options for me and getting cut isnt one. so I will present her with using condoms until vasalgel or Echo-V comes out, Or she can use an IUD until one of those products hits the market. I don’t want her to go through a tubal either but that is her decision not mine. All I can tell her is what I think and support whatever decision she makes.


#32

You mention your kids think about this.
Let’s say you just have sensitivity.
I ask my cousin and has had a vas and is general fine. I asked him if he’s been hit in the balls yet he said yes he said it hurts so much more now than before. He said if he gets a solid hit in the junk it’s like mike tyson bunched him and he’s down for like ten minutes.

So I was like wow why didn’t you tell me about that. He says idk guess it would have been worth mentioning huh? I said yea.

Before I asked him about it, it’s something that’s been on my mind
I think sometimes how can I defend my family if it came to it. I’m a scrapper and have trained in tae kwon do, judo and some mma in the past. But now a light brush to the balls could send me to the ground while my wife is raped.
Or my kids are kidnapped.

Just use condoms and only go skinny dipping when she is past ovulation gets some fun there then use a condom to finish.
I don’t believe in cutting on either male or female now. My wife was going to do the tube thing and I did the volunteering :frowning:


#33

I too don’t believe in surgical sterilization of women or men. I think women with tubal ligation can end up with bad pain during their cycle and that has to be horrible, plus you don’t want to compromise the blood flow to the ovaries in anyway…
Our sex hormones make us who we are, it’s why we are together with our spouses in the first place.

What I said in my last post I didn’t mean there to be any malice in it. I’m sure it came across that way. I think your wife would rather see you whole and happy with someone else than be stuck with a bitter, half man. Really, it’s a shitty draw for spouses as well or possibly worse for them.


#34

I agree with you, MikeO. That’s where my wife and I have come down after all this: There are just no good permanent birth control solutions. We both wish we had the option to just use condoms permanently.


#35

I have two little ones-3 1/2 and 5 in a week. And both are active. Both play soccer, ride bikes and one does Karate and one wants to start soon.

I work in the bike industry and have raced for 30 years-tirathlons, road and mountain. Played ice and inline hockey. Played soccer for 37 years including in high school on our state champion team and in college. Did Karate for 10 years.

I can’t do any of that now. The only reason I stopped anything is cause of my pain. And my wife doesn’t get it. She mentions things about me helping out or teaching them or whatever. And even shitty comments about how she did something and what did I do today!

Ask your wife, would you rather have me functional, or constantly going to doctors, trying different drugs, blowing through your savings, not interacting with the kids, or you and of course having massive hormone changes?

Cause that’s exactly what it’s like. I’m a fucking wreck every day. And my wife sees it. Cause she goes off on me for it. But the only reason I am this way is cause of my vasectomy.

I hate to say it but she may never come around to sing your side. My wife didn’t and hasn’t. And that’s why I am in this position. I might suggest socking away some cash on the side in case you need to jump ship. Not a wonderful thought, but sadly a realistic one in todays times.

Sorry boss.

@backintime30
I know what you mean. Things are so much more sensitive. I had my 4 yr old kick me there a few months ago when he was starting Karate. And I was down for a good 15 minutes if not longer. The wife, didn’t say shit. She was standing right behind him and saw the whole thing. She eventually said you don’t use Karate to hurt people. But that was it. But yeah, i know what you mean. It’s insane.


#36

Michael, jeezee peezee, get a reversal. Get fixed. Start a GoFundMe account. I’ll pitch in. I hate seeing you feeling like this and I think like me a reversal could do you a lot of good. Get that worthless scar tissue out of there (and replace it with new scar tissue, whoopeee). LOL, I just swam 1500 meters so I have a good endorphin buzz. Seriously dude take action. Take your wife out of the equation entirely, hell leave her in it. Just because she can’t see it doesn’t mean it won’t be a good thing for her too. She just can’t see it. It’s the way she’s built. I think expecting her to come around is like expecting water to not be wet or a fish to walk on dry land. It’s not the fishes fault.


#37

Oh I know she will never come around. I’ve resigned myself to that. Same with the family and friends who don’t get it. The wife thing, oh god is that the worst. Throw in the kids and not being able to do shit and it’s just no words sometimes.

LOL! and on the go fund me stuff tho.


#38

I’ll kick in something too


#39

Do you guys have a thread on here with links to all the information available for people to get in one place?


#40

@egomes2107 a point or two on the tubal. First I agree no one should undergo sterilization by surgery (although if you’re comparing there are less risks for women long term and even the benefit of a reduced risk of ovarian cancer). Second, be wary of the threat of a tubal as a means for guilt or leverage. On the several times I tried to back out I got the whole lack of empathy / selfish / your turn to sacrifice speech but also all this drama about her having to get a tubal. Even though I was clear that I didn’t think she should get one either and that condoms were fine, my wife persisted with the belief that someone HAD to get clipped and made a huge deal that once again she needed to step up for the marriage. I caved (in addition to statements that she thought she wouldn’t want to be intimate as much due to resentment). If she insists on getting a tubal don’t permit it to be a source of guilt on you. If she wants it be clear its her decision and hers alone and that you think it would be a bad idea. She may still be made and have resentment but you don’t have to validate it.


#41

@MikeO I second that. Michael I know what you’re going through and it’s only been a year since mine. On the one year mark I tied one on and felt like crap for the weekend. That Monday I scheduled an appt with a reversal specialist - just that step alone put me in such a better place. I’m so tired of having a lingering resentment and anger at my wife over this. She’s been somewhat remorseful and hadn’t cut me out on the intimacy front so I understand that you’re doubly frustrated. However in the first 5-6 months after mine I was so hostile and agitated it really pushed my wife away. Since then we’ve gotten better but she hardly asks, and I barely bring it up. She knows but just doesn’t know what to say or do.

What I want and you probably also want is to be able to go a day without regretting or thinking about the vasectomy or having such intense feelings towards your wife. If the reversal gives me even a 50/50 chance of moving past all this it will be well worth it.


#42

See i don’t view a reversal as 50/50. Or any of the options as 50/50 honestly. It’s a 1 in 5 the way I view it. But I know what you’re saying.


#43

What statistics do you think exist? I have never seen anyone put such high %'s on vas pain outcomes, or on reversal not helping.

This isnt a knee jerk question. I am for real. 50/50 is way off imo.


#44

I have a couple blog posts that have content links :

and this one:

More recently - on this site, there’s a ‘Library’ section where every journal article I could get my hands on is included. I’ve tried to include an abstract with each article so that you an get an idea of the contents - but unfortunately I have never made a proper unified index of all the research.


#45

Read the article by Thomas and Nangia from 2000 or by Sabanegh. Both seem to agree that 70% of men get complete relief from reversal and 90% get some or complete relief.