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Low Libido After Vas


#1

I’m wondering how many of you started out with low libido which gradually improved over time.

My husband said his sex drive became low after the vasectomy. I don’t know if this had something to do with the pain he had right away, if it’s psychological (don’t hate me for saying that!!! He didn’t want to get it so I could see it having some negative psychological impacts), or if it’s directly related to the vas itself). I have seen posts of men saying their sex drive tanked after but I’m concerned it won’t come back. He used to want it all the time, more than I could give. I just want some normalcy back.


#2

Mine dropped since the vas. Some of its psychological but not all of it. Chronic pain, independent of vasectomy, has long been known to kill libido. I would strongly encourage him to have his testosterone levels checked. I was terribly low when I got tested. Once I started testosterone, I found myself driving home at lunch for sex. Now that I’m off T again, I can tell my libido isn’t what it was on the shots. There’s got to be a balance in there somewhere, I also understand that T isn’t the only influence on libido. However, it’s one of the few things that can be measured with a blood test.

It’s not uncommon for your hormones to tank post vas. Unless, of course, you ask a urologist.


#3

I still wanted sex but my wife kept turning me down. So that didn’t help things. She kept saying it was because I was in pain and she didn’t want me to hurt. Funny thing is that over the last 5 years, it’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t even bring it up. She wants sex. I know that. Cause she watches porn and all. But doesn’t want it with me.

Add into it my not really wanting it after being turned down so much, the constant pain and then having trouble getting it up more and more over the years, yeah. It’s gone down till it’s pretty much gone. And when I was able to get it up, it was not as hard. And didn’t last as long. Not that I finished or anything. It’s just not fun anymore. I literally hate sex now.

So much for the whole you can have sex all the time and not worry about it thing. Just another lie by my wife and the doctor.


#4

I’d take everything people say with a big grain of salt, since with sex there is so much variation. But I can tell you what it is like for me as a man who had a vasectomy in December. I have not found myself pursuing my wife as much for sex and am much more ambivalent about it. Fortunately we are still having sex every week or so and enjoying it, and things seem to be improving slowly, but here are some things I have noticed. Sex hurts my balls. Pain is distracting. Orgasm is marred by foreign and unpleasant sensations. All of the above makes it hard for me to feel confident that sex is going to go well for both of us.

The desire for sex is a fragile thing. I think that’s probably by design. Mother nature doesn’t want us having sex unless the conditions are right, so for a lot of people things have to line up right. In particular, anxiety and distraction can prevent me from feeling like sex is worth initiating.

I’m a firm believer that there is a male “mode” and a female mode during sex. Couples can switch it up, with the female acting in the male mode, and the male acting in the female mode. But most of us are set up with the man in the male mode and the woman in the female mode. That is where most people find it easiest and most satisfying. This is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” stuff.

The male mode is about things like: initiating, taking action, giving, performing, taking control. The female mode is about things like: being, accepting, appreciating, expecting, enjoying.

For a man, anxiety screws up the male mode. They are supposed to initiate sex, do a great job, make their partner have an awesome time. If the man is worried that pain may interfere with the show, it may tip the calculation of how worthwhile it is to start something that you can’t finish properly. If you can’t completely satisfy your woman, that feels like failure.

So does that make it a psychological problem? I don’t know what to call it. Does the woman who had a clitorectomy as a child and is not eager to have sex as an adult have a psychological problem or a physical problem? What she has is a physical difference that alters the psychology of having sex. Does the guy who lost the job he loves and feels depressed have a psychological problem? Maybe, but it has an origin in a real loss.

If what is going on has to do with anxiety, it may be the case that you can help by making sex something that is a low stress, no big deal thing for him. If he can’t perform in any way it’s no big deal. You offer him a cocktail. You initiate. You take care of making him feel good physically and turning him on. That puts you in more of the male mode, and him in more of the female mode, which may work for you both or it may not.

Meantime, try to make sex all about positive energy. Whatever he’s doing, the message he needs to hear from you is that you’re glad that you two are being intimate and you are having a good time.

I’m not a sex therapist, I’m an engineer, so take what I say with a big grain of salt. But talk to a sex therapist and maybe you will find a way of relating to each other that pushes your buttons and makes sex something that might not go exactly the same way as it did before, but it happens a lot more and it’s something you both consistently look forward to and don’t feel apprehensive about. And maybe with time the anxiety would become less and less of an issue.


#5

My libido slowly but surely dropped after vasectomy, due to chronic pain and anxiety. My testosterone also dropped, with free T being 4 while range is 8-30. Definitely there is also a psychological effect, I am very anxious now about getting into relationships because of missed erections and expectations to perform flawlessly. As Ethan nicely puts it above, give your husband lots of support and understanding. Maybe start initiating intimacy, make him comfortable and worry free, that it is ok if things don’t turn out right some nights. My last girlfriend was saying that I don’t love her any more since I could not perform sometimes, that I don’t have desire for her. And I was just in pain, anxiety, and jelly down there. I will try T shots or T cream next. Prospects of ending up alone for the rest of my life because of vasectomy are not very appealing.


#6

Theres a lot if interesting thoughts in this thread, and a lot of the ideas could all be relevant in many cases.

I gotta stick up for the first responders tho, I’ve seen handfuls of guys that could prove their testosterone was in the 800~ range pre vas, and it tanked into the 100-200~ range immediately post vas.

I do believe some of the guys that tanked did get better numbers over time, but not all of them.


#7

Why Choo, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you sound like a paranoid conspiracy monger, lol…

For me having pain down there has been a libido killer. I think the psychological side may be of equal or greater importance though. Like Choo said, there is no reason it cant be a combination of both.

The ability of a man to confidently know he can provide for himself, and therefore provide for his partner is really important to a guys well being too. When you struggle to get through the week it’s tough to feel confident in your ability to be a provider and feel like a good partner. Feeling bad at your job suddenly because you have trouble sitting/lifting/standing all day is hard on your self worth. Needing someone as opposed to feeling needed, strong, desirable etc… I think being put in a position like that of vulnerability and neediness is can leads to the resentment because suddenly you no longer have power or equity in a relationship. Ugh, these things are tough to contemplate.

I would not discount hormone levels either though. It couldn’t hurt. My levels in 2013 were around 500 and then last summer they are mid 300s. I got tested because I noticed a huge drop off in energy, strength and libido.

You are in a tough situation @Worriedwife1. You can’t push your husband to do these things if he doesn’t want to and that has to be hard.

If you don’t mind me asking how is your husbands recover faring? These things can get better with time.