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How Far Should You Go to Prevent a Friend from Getting a Vasectomy?


#1

So I met up with a friend a couple months ago and we got to talking about family planning. He indicated he planned to have a vasectomy early next year. I’ve been pretty private about mine (and my issues) so he didn’t know I had one. He gave me the standard pitch: that it’s so much simpler than a tubal ligation, that there are hardly any risks, it wouldn’t be fair to expect his wife to get one and that he’s looking forward to it. I then owned up and told him not to have it done (and said his wife shouldn’t get a tubal either). I told him it was the worst decision of my life and regretted it. He asked a bit about it, my complaints and seemed to think it was either urologist error or just me being unlucky. I told him I bought into everything he recited but that it’s not really accurate. He was skeptical and I was probably a bit more energetic than he expected. He said two colleagues he worked with had them and had no complaints. I then asked how often does he find men willing to talk about problems with their equipment? He seemed a bit irritated and changed the subject.

This guy is probably the third person I’ve tried to talk out of a vasectomy. Each person seems to think that I’m a rare case and that it wouldn’t happen to them. We see each other every few months and I told him to think about it long and hard and that I could email him some articles if he wants. I’m sure I won’t hear back from him on this.

This just goes to show how well marketed this procedure is and I think a big part of it is the comparison of it to a woman’s options. Basically, they spin it that why would you put your partner through a “major procedure” when you can just get a “simple procedure” done in a few minutes. Then they throw in the whole only 1-2 percent will have issues that require further medical treatment and leave every guy thinking that it’s a no-brainer. Of the 3 guys I’ve tried to talk out of it, only one has definitely ruled out vasectomy and that was only because his wife opted for a tubal during a c-section. The other two seemed resolved to get them out of obligation and devotion, if that makes sense.

What do you guys think? The friend hasn’t asked for the links or anything and I feel like he’s not interested in hearing about the side effects. Should I send them over anyway or just let him make his decision? I told him all the statistics in our discussions - that it’s more common than you think, that it really messes with your system and all. His response was basically that he and his wife didn’t want more kids and it seemed unreasonable not to get snipped. My gut tells me I’ve done my part and to keep out of it. However, there’s another part of me that wishes someone had stepped in before I made my mistake and talked some sense into me.


#2

If you haven’t already
I would give him the true numbers we can all give you paper work it’s been shared enough around on here. 20 out of 100 are bad odds. Let him know that 1 in 1000 is a statistic that has no data and is no longer in the urologist bible as it was, they removed it after Victor confronted the author/publisher ( I purchased it it’s no longer in there and the and the 10 to 12% number IS on scrotal pain) Know that it’s no longer a true stat is one of those things doctors don’t learn about I guess unless they do those further educational classes or something, they probably never know about it or seek more info about about the procedure they are preforming.

Have him read http://antiquarianendeavors.com/2015/01/20/post-vasectomy-pain-syndrome/

But most all just say don’t rush, think with the big head not the little one, and just realize that there is no going back if it goes wrong.

Maybe pay for consult with DR P. Dr P points all the guys he sees for a vas to this site so they know all the possible outcomes. But DRP seems convinced he has never had a pvps guy because of putting everyone under.

I really really think we are taking advantage of we are thinking about sex and that’s all we see I don’t care if he is doing for his wife. I did it for my wife but boy was I all about sex without a condom.

Is he a really good friend?


#3

Can your wife speak to his? My wife spoke to a friend who was wanting her hubby to get one pretty fiercely. She knew me and how I was before and couldn’t believe my behavioral changes and what I could and couldn’t do.

She changed her mind pretty quick and she has ahad 4 kids.


#4

Send him a link to this site.

My wife would never talk to another woman about it. We have friends, my old best friend, we hardly have seen them the last 8 years. I stopped wanting to hang out with them after my vasectomy. They knew my struggles early and I think because his was not an issue has little sympathy. He has said stuff to me making me think he doesn’t get it like “when I have problems I wave my hand and they go away, some of us are just survivors.” I remember when he was a drooling prozac taking zombie after he and his wife got married. Human beings are conditioned as a means of self protection to think they are tough. I believe all men can be broken. Once a trauma has passed most pepole remember it differently or blot it out and still think they are tough. It’s the ego protecting itself.

Chronic pain in your scrotum can own you and make you it’s bitch especially when ot is intractabe and lasts a long time.

I’m pissed at my friend for his attitude. Jealous he got off easy.

Anyway, if reading this site doesn’t scare some sense into him nothing will.

Healthy people think they are invincible and no one not in chronic pain can understand what it will do to you. Side of my dick at the base of my scrotum is bugging me as I type this. I’m 8 3/4 in people.


#5

He’s a friend but not close - we hang out a few times a year. I’ll see him next month - will see if he brings it up. Just highlights a problem that no one seems to view these as risky and that they think the percentages are drastically in their favor. If this post suddenly disappears - you’ll know I referred him here.


#6

I know what mike means people forget but I think folks on here don’t forget so easy even if they get better. They can come back and reflect on what they put on here. I am forever a changed guy. I lost my nephew and evolved I’ll evolved from this I guess as well. Just hopefully for the better.

If he’s not a close friend maybe he can be your Guinea pig. Press him but try to be logical. See how much it takes idk. I’ve had good luck turning people off to it. Couple guys I had to hit Em hard they finally understood.


#7

I’d tell him hell no-although its rare, if something does go wrong you will wish you were dead. I try to talk anyone out of it at any time it comes up


#8

i was at a tradeshow last week and told every single guy i met never to get it done.
not just friends, but literally every single guy.

why?

cause i had a gorgeous bike there and I couldn’t ride it and they asked me why. So I told them.

I would beat the shit out of someone if I had told them before hand and they still got one done. But given 99% of men don’t mention the issue, it’s not surprising we don’t know when someone has a problem.


#9

Yeah to all of this. I haven’t seen the guy again but I’m at peace. He knows I think it’s a bad idea and I told him why. If he wants to go ahead despite that because he’s convinced it’s the right thing to do and a simple procedure I guess any problems are on him.


#10

For what it’s worth, one of my friends that I tried to talk out of a V printed my entire blog post and took it to the consultation with him. The doc fisked my post and talked him back into getting snipped. We’re fighting a losing battle because the marketing and feminism is just too strong.


#11

It’s a numbers game. The odds are just good enough that the black swans can be completely marginalized. Most guys are fine. If you have problems you fall into a black hole of compassion and care and your life is pretty much ruined.

People have this tendency to think of themselves as tough or strong. So if they don’t have a bad outcome or get over anything they think it’s because they are exceptional or hardy. There is a failure of imagination when it comes to catastrophic pain. After this incident I subscribe more to the “all men can be broken” line of thinking. All men can be broken with time and the right ailment/pressure points are applied. I don’t think my wife and urologist could have conspired to come up with something that could have hurt me and ruined my life more than what the vasectomy did. It wiped out my career, self esteem, sex life, will to live all in one fell swoop. Thanks honey, thanks Sher, you miserable POS.

I agree, the politics on this are bad as well. I’m fine with feminism but the anti dick/balls variety that conflates having a womb and having kids with genital mutilation is just plain wrong.


#12

Wanted to share something and it fits this post. Got a text message yesterday from one of my closest friends asking me who did my Vasectomy. I told him and obviously asked why. Said he wanted to get one and didn’t want to end up in chronic pain, so he wasn’t going to go to my doctor. I was surprised by my reaction. Him asking me this, left me shaking. I was visibly upset.

When i was at my worst, he was one of the few people I told that I was suicidal because of the pain and emotional distress I was having. He helped pull me out of a mental place I hope I never go back to. But here he was asking me about having this done. Did he not see the pain I was in? Did he not see how freaking scared I was? I wanted to jump through the phone and start kicking him in the nuts, so he’d know what I feel like everyday. It just made me feel like one of the people who took me seriously, now thinks it wasn’t a big deal. One more person to think it couldn’t have been that bad, or you don’t look that bad so you must be making it up.

I kept my reply cordial and told him I think he’d be making a bad decision. Not sure what to do now, but I’m hurt by his question. I can’t talk him out if it, it’s his choice. But how deflating for me to go through this and not stop him from doing the same? I know that this was not his intention but it’s very disheartening and hurtful.

Thanks for reading this fellas. I needed to vent somewhere.


#13

I used to think that any man who was scared of vasectomy was either selfish or uninformed.

So did a guy who worked with me and had his done two months or so before I did.

He only told me he still had flashes of pain some good time after I started complaining about my recovery. And then we never talked about it again.

As far as your friend… I believe if he already bought the lie and the marketing he was sold already poisoned his mind for good. It’s a done deal. You won’t convince him otherwise. Sorry. But you did the right thing. I only hope he has a different fate.


#14

It goes to show the mindset we were all in before the vasectomy. I had a similar experience with a close friend. He happens to be an orthopedic surgeon and I’ve peppered him with anatomy questions for months. He went ahead and had it done. I remember at day 3-4 he text me in tears saying he made a mistake. His cord was on fire and he’d developed a hematoma. Fortunately, his settled down and he hasn’t had any residual pain since. However, he confided in me that he had a new appreciation for what I was dealing with. Admitted that he probably shouldn’t have gone through with it as It shook him strongly emotionally.

I too was offended he went though with it. It was almost as if he didn’t care or believe in my struggle. However, I think it goes to show the mindset we’re all in before we get cut. Vasectomy sounds like the perfect procedure. Sex all day everyday. It’s a stupid way to think but we’re thinking about than condom free moment on the beach or something ridiculous like that. Unfortunately some of us have less than perfect outcomes.


#15

I don’t know if it’s vasectomy season or what, but I just had another friend ask my opinion on the local docs. FML. I’m going to post my response to them on here. Slightly edited to withhold actual names. Here it is:

“I actually just got my last paycheck of the year. The Vasectomy ended up costing me around $25-30K when you include missed time off of work (which was actually not bad considering I have a good short term disability plan), and the subsequent medical bills. You know as your friend, I can’t recommend against the procedure enough. The studies show that around 1 in 10 men end up with some sort of chronic pain. Also, there really is no great treatment plan if things do go wrong. I was lucky enough to be in healthcare and have options, but none of them have caused the pain to end. I’ve worked with (local urologist) before and he’s a good doc but I don’t think it’s a matter of skill. I think some men just don’t respond well to it. I obviously can’t talk you out of it, as it’s an incredibly personal decision, but one I’m not going to let you make without my dissention. The odds are in your favor and more than likely you’ll be fine, but I’ve given you a proper risk assessment, so the decision is yours. I wish I had been afforded the same luxury. Also, I’m not just anti Vasectomy but also anti any elective surgery. Knowing what I know now, no one in my family will ever have anything done electively. To much shit can go catastrophically wrong. I’ve always known this, but was blind to it before all of this. I wanted the vasectomy so badly that I’m pretty convinced that even seeing a friend go through what I went through wouldn’t have stopped me. I think that only myself from the future, or God himself, could have stopped me from walking through those doors. But again, it’s your decision to make and an incredibly personal decision for you and (wife). Either way, I will be praying that it all works out for you and will have some advice if it doesn’t. The last 9 months of my life have been a nightmare and there were points that I was living in a personal Hell. Although I hope you choose against it, (local uro) probably gives you the best chance in the city so don’t go anywhere else if you do proceed further.”

I hope they can sense my pain and emotion in that, but who knows. Again, it’s super deflating for people to ask me this for the same reasons I, and some of you, have mentioned above.


#16

@Kyvas You’re experience seems to be the norm. Everyone - men and women - are so shocked that there could be any complications with a vasectomy. Yes, a vasectomy procedure is easier, shorter and simpler than the female equivalent and that seems to be where the considerations stop. My friend that i wrote about above had the same reaction as yours - that something must have gone wrong with mine. He went so far as to state he was going to go to the best urologist in NYC so it would be okay. It just confirms how little people look into things and, granted, the scary information is buried and often obscured.

This scenario has played out a few times over the past year. I was very quiet at first about my vasectomy. It was more than a year until I told my family and close friends that I had one and about my experience. Since then I’m more open about it. Whenever I’m asked if I’ve had one I say yes and when the follow up comes about my experience I usually give a warning that I had a very bad experience and will not be offering any words of encouragement. If they persist I tell them statistics are misleading, tell them up to 1 in 10 will have some sort of long term complication and that some are even worse. I tell them I wasn’t disabled by the pain but ask how they would feel if everyday their balls had a constant dull ache. I get that it’s a personal family decision so I don’t tell them not to but I always says its the worst decision I’ve ever made.

Even after that most people don’t want to believe it or just think you’re exaggerating. A woman I work with asked if i was getting a vasectomy last year when I took time off for my reversal. At first I just told it wasn’t that. Then a couple days later she asked again because she wanted her husband to get one but he was reluctant. I then told her everything above and her response was that she didn’t want me to tell her husband and that she planned to keep that information quiet. She asked if my doctor messed up and said she knew a good urologist. She eventually told her husband a few months later and they both had tabled idea.


#17

You know you also make a good point - now is the time people start looking into getting a vasectomy. March madness and bad weather promote getting one. I’ve been trying to go on reddit to chime in and wherever else I can give my two cents. It’s not necessarily to stop someone but more to help people be more informed. I’ve always felt if I were single, was living and “active” single life and knew I didn’t want any kids the trade off (based on my experience) might be worth it. That wasn’t my scenario though and I was fine with everything else.


#18

I definitely try to talk people out of it, especially friends. No doubt I’ve saved many from ever having to deal with any of this stuff.

If vasectomy didn’t carry all of the inherent risks it would be different. You never know what your outcome will be. That’s both short term, and long term.

I tell them about pvp, pvps, side effects, all of the possibilities.

I too know of at least one friend that did it anyways. I don’t see him much, and have no clue about his outcome. I couldn’t believe he did it tho (knowing my story).

I too know of a gal in the workplace that knew what happened to me, and she concealed any knowledge about what I was going through from her husband, and manipulated him into doing it anyway. I have no idea how he made out either.

I used to talk about this stuff way more with people in my daily life. A lot of people don’t want to listen, and sometimes is not worth the hassle, headache, and/or the rejection. If anyone I know ends up with a negative outcome, they can’t say I never tried to tell them at some point.


#19

@orange in fact the local sports radio station always runs an ad promoting getting one in march and watching march madness all weekend on the couch. They even go as far as to say that a no scalepel vas “obeys man rules - no sharp objects down there”. Biggest load of BS I have ever heard in my life. Even immediately after the procedure I remember thinking no way does this obey some man rule of no sharp objects. You still have to pierce the skin which leaves giant cuts to heal slowly and scar over!