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Constant Pain - a living nightmare


#1

So this is the 6 week update (from the biggest mistake of both mine and my husband’s lives). My husband is in constant high pain, everyday, all day. He has seen 4 doctors, had ER trips, 2 ultrasounds, blood work and no one can help us. I have a call in to Dr. Jarvi’s office to try to get us in there ASAP. Jarvi isn’t in for another month but I may be able to see one of the others.
He is taking 500mg of Naproxen twice a day and it’s doing nothing for the pain. If anything, it’s making him feel nauseated. He is down and sick of the pain and so am I. I’m very strongly of the belief that this is nerve related. Does anyone have suggestions of medication that would help pain and nerve issues.
I’m lost. I know I’m on here a lot but I’m trying to find answers. My regrets are eating me. I’ve lost 15lbs in a month and I’m struggling to function. He is obviously in the same place right now and we are both feeling lost. Him and my children need me to be strong right now but it’s so hard. I know I’m not the one going through the actual pain and I know a lot of you will not have sympathy for me as the wife, but understand that I am vicariously affected because of all this. I feel like I broke my husband, I’ve taken my kids healthy father away and our future and life was so uncomplicated before and now I don’t know what is going to happen.


#2

Me and my wife are in a similar situation (although my wife has not openly accepted any blame as you have)… i am regularly seeing a counsellor to deal with the pain and the blame… the key is to make sure you both continue to be close, communicate and foremost care for each other. It would be the worst irony that an act that was meant to improve your relationship actually destroys it… you have to everything you can to stop this from happening, especially where children are involved… all obviously easier said than done.


#3

This is the tragedy of vasectomies that you never see on TV or in magazines or anywhere but a place like here. Thank you for sharing your pain here and documenting it for other couples to see and learn from. I miss my wife terribly I miss how close we were before vasectomy. The physical intimacy the emotional intimacy etc… Birth control should be a joint decision and is a burden that should be shared. The same applies when it goes badly or causes harm. The responsibility should be seen as joint as well. It won’t help his physical hurt but your regret will and contrition will help him emotionally. The hard reality though is that while I’m sure he appreciates that you are upset for him you need to channel as much of that energy as possible into getting him well. That’s your best hope to get through this in tact.


#4

You cant wear this. You decided this together. My wife feels the same way
and while I appreciate her feeling so much sympathy for my situation, I did
not do enough homework on this before getting this done. It’s on me, it’s
my body.

Most women went through many,many years of taking the pill, which has its
share of side effects and long term impact on the body. I don’t think it’s
unreasonable for them to want us to get the procedure. The issue ( to me)
is the lack of information that is shared about how bad the outcome can be
for some of us.

He needs you to be strong, the pain really sucks. If you let the guilt
affect you, you will not be able to help him. Owning your part is fine, but
you can’t let it drag you down. My two cents…
Darcy


#5

Darcy,

Anyone that has witnessed their wife carry and give birth to a child understands what women go through. However, Child Birth and Hormonal Birth Control <> Men must get vasectomy.

It is dysfunctional and wrong to pressure a man into doing something to his body he doesn’t want to have done. The idea that men are unwilling to bear their share of responsibility for birth control is rubbish. If there was a male birth control pill it would be the most popular drug on the planet. Men don’t have that option though, nor do we have IUDs as an option. For us it’s sensation dulling condoms or vasectomy. That’s it.

Can you imagine any situation where it would be okay for a man to pressure a women into getting surgically sterilised/have her tubes tied?

I can’t.


#6

I think there is a very big difference between two people in a relationship deciding togehter what the best form of birth control is and “being pressured”. As far as the man owning his part, I was speaking for myself. It was my decision, I own it. Appreciate yor opinion, but you do not know, nor have the right to say what I own or do not in my situation. If my opinion offended you, I apologize for that, but it’s my opinion.

My intent was simply to let her know that it is not 100% her fault, not to get into a finger pointing exercise, which is what it feels like you are trying to do. Perhaps I am miss reating you, but it feels like a pretty harsh response to simply showing some empathy. With that, I will bow out and simply agree to disagree . All the best with your health.
Darcy


#7

I understand what you are saying and I was afraid you would take it that way but I think any reasoning that excuses or rationalizes men being pressured into surgical sterilization is a complete non-starter. It’s wrong. You own your decision. Good for you. I can say I was always dead set against Vasectomy. My circumstances arose from guilt at having seen what my wife went through and I think there is a culture that says it’s okay to pressure men to get snipped. That needs to change. Men have rights too and one of them should be the absolute right to say no to vasectomy without guilt. If you excuse it under any circumstance you are part of the problem.


#8

This isn’t any of our faults. This is urologys fault.

Vasectomy has been being done for many, many decades. Methodology far as performing these procedures has actually gotten better in all that time gone by.

Image how many men were getting screwed up by performing the procedure before the NSV technique, and so on came to be.

Doctors cause many of the problems. Performing the procedure itself causes many problems. The procedure itself causes many problems (short term, and long term).

Bottom line, hardly anyone is being warned of much of anything to date. Seems the less of a warning we get the better. Numbers of vasectomys would plumit if men and women were fully warned about all of the potential ramifications of a vasectomy. The list is actually quite long.

Once again, this goes all the way to the top. It is urologys fault. People should not have to do their own research to get a proper warning.


#9

Thanks Ringo, I agree with you completely


#10

Thanks for the thoughtful response. I think we will have to disagree somewhat. I do agree that a culture that creates pressure for men to have vasectomy es is wrong. I think what Ringo is saying makes sense ( if I am reading him right). The lack of information, education on the dangers would go a long way to reducing men’s willingness to have the procedure done. I think couples do need to talk bout all options for birth control and this is one of them, so I don’t think it is unreasonable for that to be part of the process. To your point, it should not feel like pressure . To my point, the guy still has to say I am not comfortable with the risk. If your position is thst the procedure should not be discussed as a couple, , then we will have to disagree. To me, it’s no different than the conversation my wife and I had about her on birth control. It was her decision, her body, but we talked about the options and she made the call. Just my two cents
Darcy


#11

Good afternoon,

Long time reader and first time poster. I have been down the same road as many others here over the past 5 years and still living the reality of nerve damage every day. I am one of Dr. Jarvi’s patients and he and his team are very good at what they do. I know he does run a clinic at Men’s Health Institute downtown Toronto and I am not sure if you have tried there or not. Be strong it’s a long road. Take care.


#12

@Mobil We have gotten an appointment in the next couple of weeks to see Dr. Jarvi. This is my first step to try to fix what has happened to my husband. I really hate that this is nerve related. I feel like if it was congestion, there are more natural holistic approaches (but at well aware they don’t work for everyone). I just feel like nerve pain is a whole other life long issue that will never fix itself and I am having a hard time coping with that.


#13

I think the pressure on men is a cultural thing. I agree urology as practiced in this country needs to change but you have to attack the entire thing. Those urologists are given cover by a society that undervalues men’s reproductive health in relation to women’s. The premise or argument seems to be Women, being women, suffer so Men must suffer too or they are being slackers/babies/irresponsible etc… I just think that’s wrong. Once you start saying “well women go through a lot so men should …” you’ve already lost. No woman should be told what to do with her body EVER. No man should be told what to do with his body EVER. It’s really that simple. Sure, it would help a lot if physicians were required to provide good information that was agreed upon by some governing body and based on real data. I don’t trust in the highly political world we live in that this still won’t get skewed to value saving money and/or appeasing the group that shouts the loudest or is in vogue with current overlords of political thinking.


#14

@Darcy I’m with you in that I was not pushed into it. My wife had an IUD and decided at 5 years when it had to come out, she wasn’t going to put another back in. It definitely caused her issues, so i agreed with her not to get another IUD. However, she also wanted another kid, and I didn’t. So i decided the onus of responsibility fell on me. We discussed it a lot together as a couple, but the decision was ultimately mine. She didn’t force me into that office. Honestly, owning it has helped me deal with it. Initially i held a lot of anger, but i realized the anger was with myself and my situation. I was the one creating my anger and i put it on her and my kids. Owning the anger and realizing i created it, helped me in a huge way emotionally. I’m not angry much anymore. I do still get frustrated but no mote than the average couple would i think.

I am pissed at the urology community for brushing this issue under the rug. These issues should be openly discussed between a doctor and his patient. However, money is the factor and this practice wont change for a long time.


#15

I’ve had all the treatments for nerve related damage from my vasectomy, reversal, denervation, nerve blocks, cryoablation, Botox, stem cells, nerve and pain medications and now a DRG nerve stimulator. If you have any questions on options feel free to PM. I completely understand the stress this puts on not only the husband bearing the pain, but the wife bearing the load of taking care of the kids house etc. luckily I have a great wife who has always supported me through this process yes she’s had her moments but who wouldn’t. My daughter is 12 now when this happened she was 8 and didn’t understand but now she does and really helps with my 4 year old son since she unfortunately she knows daddy just can’t do some physical things like he use to. This is what breaks my heart I watched her 3 months ago pushing my son on his first big boy bike ride because she knew I couldn’t run beside the bike!!! I might not be able to coach her in Softball or play golf with her anymore and won’t ever be able to with my son but we have found other ways to bond and have fun as a family. There is an adjustment period but you guys will figure it all out. First goal is get an accurate diagnosis if it is nerve related or not. From reading what you’ve wrote It makes the most sense. The only way to truly find out is to have nerve blocks done to see if they temporarily help. If you read some of my old posts these can be done in the spermatic cord or higher up the nerves (in my opinion safer, reduces chance of making things worse). If it is nerve related there are different options or avenues you can try. Like I said feel free to PM and I will go over all of them with you either via email or phone if you prefer. Just remember it could always be worse your kids still have father and you still have a husband!!!


#16

Amen I chose the vasectomy route without researching it at all because it was sold as a quick 10 min procedure on a Friday and return to work on Monday. My wife has had problems not only with getting pregnant but with miscarriages and other gynecological problems so I chose to have the vas to keep her from having another procedure. Hindsight I should have researched it more, but the urological community needs to change its policies and procedures and fess up and own the fact that they are causing serious life altering problems with this procedure and sell it to their patients quoting accurate studies and percentages of the chances of long term chronic pain as well as hormonal changes and risk of autoimmune problems.


#17

@Acschiro I agree with everything you’ve said. There was literally no information given to my husband at his consultation. He has no idea even what type he got. He doesn’t even think he signed a waiver. total money maker and now both of our lives will never be the same. I’m struggling with the thought of our future (not our marriage) but his job, his health and his ability to do the things he loves. Complications need to be up front. Even if it’s said it’s a not high risk but still information that is more detailed like infixable nerve pain, congestion, chronic pelvic pain, etc. It’s not to scare people but give them accurate information before making a big decision. We went on word of mouth and totally beating myself up for not investigating further.


#18

@Worriedwife1 - take @Acschiro up on his offer to sidebar or talk offline. He’s been through or researched all of the potentially corrective procedures and practices medicine as a chiropractor. He knows more about this than anyone I’ve spoken with. Heck, I’d let him bill me for his time. It’s worth as much or more than other consults I’ve paid for.


#19

To worried wife. My advice is to try and get your husband to become a part of this board. It was the only time in my life that I said “I need a support group”. Guilt etc is normal but it is not doing you any good. You have to step up your game for the kids and give your husband time to try and get better.Really you are not to blame and neither is your husband. All of us heard “you’ll be fine” kinds of words come out of the urologists mouths. I do remember thinking I’ve had a tragic accident and the sooner I get put back together (reversal) the better. I waited 1 1/2 years and I wish I had done it sooner-not that I will ever be the same again.I am not trying to rush you into this, but finding a doctor who is knowlegable is tough-you might consider a trip to Florida to see Dr P at the PUR clinic or a phone consult with Dr Marks ofice. In the end no one will be able to really tell you what is wrong or how to fix it.


#20

I do agree that birth control should be a joint decision. Unfortunately the situation in Africa and also in Kenya where I come from birth control is viewed as a woman’s responsibility. Local beliefs associate vasectomy with de-masculinisation, framing it in terms of castration. Before I got my Vasectomy, my wife was actually considering having tubal ligation, but this being a more invasive surgery I opted to ‘take one for the team’. probably a decision I would not have made had I seen this page earlier. But the last thing I’d wish to do is to shift blame to either my wife or myself. the best we can do is to get information to guys considering getting vasectomies about the possibility of negative effects of the procedure.