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Break-ups and divorce


#1

How many of you feel that your vasectomy was the primary cause of your girlfriend/wife leaving you (or you leaving them)?

What happened? Did they feel they were somehow responsible for your misery or they just din’t feel any guilt at all and think it is you overreacting to this “minor” procedure?

I have had trouble with my relationship since then. Felt like it was going to end at any time. We never moved in together, and now that this conversation resurfaced, we’re fighting again.

So, I’d like to hear your stories.


#2

I was married 11 years when I got cut. It’s definitely taken a huge toll on the marriage. It’s hurt my relationship with my kids as well. Chronic pain, regardless of the cause, changes your life and changes everyone around you. My wife feels extremely guilty though she doesn’t like to admit it. Not because she feels was wrong to ask me to get cut or because she feels guilty. It’s mostly because she tries incredibly hard to live a normal life with a partially disabled husband who acts as a constant reminder of the hell we’ve both been going through.

This is difficult on everyone. Imagine asking your wife for a tubal ligation so you wouldn’t get her pregnant then watch her lay around in pain the rest of her life. That would be awful. I’m glad it’s me and not her honestly. I would really struggle with that position.

Best thing, IMO, is to accept it as best you can and try to live as normal of a life as possible. It’s on my mind 100% of the time but it’s not healthy to discuss it 24/7 like I used to. It’s just not.


#3

I’m certainly not going to type out all my story far as every last detail because it’s not healthy to re-live all them emotions when I’ve worked all this stuff out best I could years ago, and still struggle with it periodically.

As others have mentioned, vasectomy can, or does change the dynamic of so much, especially when you have a negative outcome, or pathway into the vasectomy.

Woman that force, apply to much pressure, convince their man to do it for a multitude of reasons despite their man’s wishes, etc, stand the best chance at destroying their relationship, and I’d say the majority of them don’t even see it coming because they don’t know any better.

I’d been for the most part happily married for years prior to the vas. The vas had been discussed years beforehand, and I’d always been opposed. Tack on the fact that I have a permanent lower back injury, had a dormant pre-existing varicocele pain condition, I definitely wasn’t down with the vasectomy. My gut told me to run.

I was pressured to have the vas. Nagged on, harped on, given ultimatums, fighting about my reservations, the usual crap. I had my in-laws harping on me about it, friends, coworkers, etc, spewing it was perfectly safe, nothing to fear, safe and simple, quick recovery, the typical stuff.

Of course post pvps, I came to find out that some of those friends, and coworkers were not completely fine afterwards, and many of them had some sort of side effects at minimum.

Needless to say, I nearly ended up divorced over my outcome many years ago. Even to this day, the dynamic of our relationship has been permanently damaged. We’ve done pretty well far as moving forward, but the memories, and mental scars remain, especially on my end. I’d say some of the dynamics of our relationship have been permanently altered for the worst.

I certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone loath in this stuff often. The stuff you are talking about is quite destructive, and will likely lead to no good.

I’ve read stories about guys that had uneventful vasectomys far as pain, and complications go that ended up divorced over it. I suppose it all depends on how “disconnected” a man feels afterwards, or how bad the sexual side effects, etc are. This stuff varies man to man.


#4

Ditto, I’m like the big elephant in the room. My wife tries to make my kids lives as normal as possible while also accommodating for my disability. She even schedules times during vacation for me to take a nap because she knows the pain spikes with prolonged activity. It’s actually pretty sad we’ve definitely had our ups and downs with this but I am lucky she does her best even though my personality is 180 degrees different since the procedure. She has finally learned the look of the pain is so bad just leave me alone in my misery for awhile which has helped us avoid a lot of the fights we used to have.


#5

My marriage got better, albeit that she probably will have a lot of hard times due to the fact that I’m a pain in the ass…


#6

Yea, mine has some improvements as well far as better communication, getting to know each other better, etc. We thought we knew each other pretty well beforehand, but things like this can lead to personal growth on many levels (eventually).

I’ve had docs get really upset with me when I told them how pissed I was with my wife years ago, and those doc’s got pissed at me for being upset at my wife. They were like, I feel so bad for her, but not for you. Not once did they say they felt bad for me regarding all that’s transpired.

My wife has no kids, I didn’t have a vasectomy to spare my wife another pregnancy, nothing of the sorts.

As for those that brought up chronic pain, and how that changes the dynamic of relationships, they are right on. I’ve heard many stories of people ending up divorced because their spouse couldn’t tolerate the strain chronic pain, irritability, etc brought into their marriage. From back pain, car accidents, life altering accidents in general, etc, chronic pain puts a strain on a lot of things including jobs, relationships, lifestyle’s, etc. Some make it, some don’t.

I consider myself to be a success story far as digging myself out of the pvps mental gutter at minimum.


#7

Mine’s gotten worse. And she doesn’t care. And I’ve lost interest in doing anything to help it.

My wife pushed me into mine. she knew i didn’t want one and made it very clear no sex unless i did it. we haven’t had sex in years since(5 1/2) so it doesn’t really matter. she’s happy taking care of herself. hides it and all. never asks me to help or for sex.

when she asks me what i want for chistmas or birthday or whatever, i say nothing until she pisses me off enough that i say no pain, or to ride my bike or something where i could do something before i had my vasectomy.

it doesn’t help that my in-laws bring it up and say i am fine. my wife then says i am fine. which of course i am not. i sleep on the sofa cause i honestly can’t stand my wife.

my kids say they want me to do stuff with them and get mad at me cause i can’t. they tell my wife and then she says daddy doesn’t care or love you or some other stupid bullshit. of course i want do stuff with them. they are at an age when i should be teaching them to ride their bikes, play soccer and other things. and i can’t do that. and it kills me.

if it weren’t for the kids, i wouldn’t be married right now. cause she sure as hell aint helping me. she’s not supporting me in any way. never been to a single dr appt.


#8

And just for those that may struggle with this crap, I feel pretty confident saying our wife’s had no idea about pvp, pvps, side effects, etc, etc beforehand. Realizing, and understanding this is what’s helped me the most far as forgiving my wife for pushing me into this situation. My wife has also been very supportive during the entire course of this ordeal.

What I’m saying doesn’t change the fact that my wife should’ve listened to me, respected my life, my body, my opinion, etc. She definitely crossed the line, but shit happens, and who would’ve known beforehand?

Everyone’s situation is different.


#9

This! I definitely undermined my husband’s feelings. He wanted nothing to do with it and I definitely pushed him into it. I never withheld sex or gave him ultimatums but I was mad when he told me he didn’t want to do it.

I hope our relationship is strong enough to weather this. We never had to deal really with issues before this all happened. I love my husband a lot and I want to stick by his side but I’m not going to lie, I’m scared about the future in regards to his health and his happiness. He knows how much guilt I carry and I think he’s more worried about my health than his own. The guilt has played a toll in my happiness and health (and I feel so selfish for this) but I was as in the dark as him. This could have been avoidable if I listened to him and if I did my own research.


#10

We live in a sinful and broken world. It is the sin from both husband and wife that strains the marriage. It is also the sinfulness of this world that weighs down on marriages. How to heal a strained marriage.

  1. recognizing our sins.
  2. repenting for our sins,
  3. forgiving our sins and the sins against us.

If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

and finally,
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Applying this is hard enough as it was. It is even harder to apply this when you have terrible pain. However it is said, that the greater the forgiveness the greater the reward in heaven.


#11

I was nagged and pushed into it. Now she doesnt give a shit. She lies to friends and family and says i am fine. Never does she ask if i am ok. I have always gone to all appointments with uros on my own. Even my reversal i went 3000km fly/train/bus on my own and cared for myself in a hotel for a week. She thinks i sm faking all this and thinks i am stupid for being on this forum. I am still here because my children. My marriage is suffering big time.


#12

Thought I’d mention that the doc’s I spoke of in the quote above were all urologists, and all of them were advocates of vasectomy.


#13

@Loz, @Cartman, I can’t imagine having a wife that was so unsupportive, and took that kind of stance while I was living a nightmare because of something that she likely wanted me to do, or pushed me, and/or manipulated me into.

I’m not sure what I would do if I was in either of your shoes. There’s other ways to see your kids, be a part of their lives, etc, and not subject them to growing up in that kind of atmosphere.

I paid child support on multiple children for well over 23-24~ years, so I do speak from some sort of experience.


#14

I was divorced and a single dad for many years. But I had custody. The money thing isn’t the issue. It’s that my wife and her family are super enabling of the kids. They spoil them horribly and it’s turned them into little assholes. And my wife, they way she interacts with them is not good at all. She works 5 days a week, sometimes more and only sees them for about 3 hours mon-fri. and then hardly on the weekend. So I worry about the they’ll be raised. I am the primary caregiver with my mom being the main babysitter. She(wife) is not as good with the kids as i’d hope. She snaps at them pretty quickly even when she gets home and they are happy to see her.

I know I am making her sound horrible. She isn’t. She just has zero sympathy or empathy genes in her. Just look at how she is with me. When the kids get hurt, they run to me. She doesn’t even try and help with boo boos. I am the one who takes them to the doctors or any medical appts. they have. So I worry about the kids.

We are definitely like roommates if you can say that. Cause we live in different rooms of the house. We don’t have sex. Never have date nights. Never kiss or touch or anything. So it’s all about the kids for me.


#15

Much worse. It’s the absence of closeness, the way it was, that hurts the most. I see the parallel life we should have had and that hurts more than anything.


#16

See, I think about an ex girlfriend and how she never would’ve made me do this. She was super supportive of me. My wife, never supported me once. In anything honestly. She is super A+ type personality so she always has to be right and no matter what is said, I am wrong. Kids gets told to not put finger in light socket… how dare you yell at them. I swear to God it’s literally like that.

I get what you mean about seeing life as it could’ve been or should’ve been. Mine sadly I keep seeing with the girl who got away. Cause she was awesome with kids. Among other reasons why I should’ve stayed with her.


#17

I have accepted this is how it is. There is no violence and we both treat our children with love and respect. I am not on this forum to bag my wife its how she is. When time is right i will move on. I was a street child and i dont want my children growing up in a broken marriage. It affects children.


#18

I feel that am headed down that road after vasectomy. Week after my vas surgery I felt disconnected from my wife now Its just a spiral of depression And anxiety


#19

The best thing I a can say is that if you lose a relationship over this, make sure you learn from it when you start dating again. That new love euphoria is going to wear off. Marriage is only worth it if you’re a team who enjoys carrying each other’s burdens. I’m sure my wife doesn’t always want to hear me bitch about my nuts, but she’s been great and wants to see this through as much as I do.


#20

It could be for some of us that our wives are our enemy.

A radical philosophy is to: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

For me I have worked hard to forgive those who pushed me into this surgery. One example would be my mother. I’ve come to realize that in some ways my mother had always been abusive and controlling. She pushed me and manipulated me into getting a vasectomy. Unfortunately, I was only able to succeed in forgiving her when the pain was low or absent. When the pain would roar back so too would my unforgiveness and bitterness toward her.

If one could achieve and maintain total forgiveness, even when in some serious pain, what a tremendous feat that would be.